Recent studies in the psychological field suggest that the saying “nail crushes nail” (starting a new relationship shortly after a romantic breakup) is not always to be frowned upon. In some cases it can in fact have positive effects on psychological well-being, improving self-esteem, increasing self-confidence and reducing rumination.
In psychology, the so-called “resort relationships” (the classic “nail drives away a nail”) have a very precise name: rebound relationships. Well, the results of some studies suggest that people who quickly start a new relationship are not necessarily worse off than those who wait longer before committing to a new acquaintance. Indeed, in some cases, it would seem that finding a partner relatively early has advantages: greater well-being and a better opinion of oneself.
Warning: this does not mean that the rebound relationships are necessarily to be recommended. It is true, for example, that it is not always good to start a relationship before having fully processed your feelings towards your ex. Simply, studies deny that it is a practice to be demonized a priori. For example, the time spent single is not predictive of future stability: that is, it is not certain that extending the “waiting time” before a new romantic relationship coincides with better or more solid outcomes. Science therefore does not establish a “right” time in starting a new relationship, but shows that the timing (i.e. how much you expect), alone, determines neither the success nor the value of a new relationship! In short, despite their bad reputation, second-best relationships do not necessarily have to be included in a sort of “blacklist” behavioral.
Post-breakup adaptation in psychology
Sadness, anger, relief, guilt, pain. The period following a breakup is very often tormented and confusing. Each person deals with it differently: taking refuge at home to watch TV series non-stop, letting off steam with friends, remaining silent with their suffering or engaging in numerous activities with the aim of distracting themselves. On the other hand, romantic relationships represent an important source of support, companionship and intimacy. Their interruption therefore involves the loss of a daily point of reference, but also the dissolution of future expectations built within the bond.
For this reason, realizing that a relationship isn’t working can already be devastating in itself; But as painful as this discovery is, the upheaval that accompanies the post-breakup period can be just as painful. In general, the intensity of the pain of the end of a relationship reaches its peak in conjunction with the breakup or divorce, and then gradually decreases. It is clear that if people are accompanied by feelings of anger, anxiety and concern for their partner, or do not accept separation, negative emotions take longer to fade: the longer they hold on to feelings of love or anger, the more slowly the suffering diminishes.
At a certain point, however, you start to consider the possibility of looking for a new partner and the time between the breakup and a new search can depend on many variables: perhaps the relationship has “ended” for months, even if the actual separation occurred recently; or you may have already processed the break and feel ready for something new. Other people, however, are in the midst of mourning: they ruminate on the relationship, they are deeply distressed and want to get back with their ex-partner. There is no “right” way to deal with the end of a romantic relationship, just as there is no “right time” to indulge in new acquaintances.
In general, there is a tendency to suggest that jumping into a new relationship after a breakup is dangerous for your mental well-being. There is a common unwritten rule: People should spend a considerable amount of time single before starting a new relationship (some estimate a minimum of five months). But however widespread these beliefs may be, they do not stand up to empirical scrutiny.
The possible benefits of one rebound relationship
By inherent definition, a rebound relationship is a relationship a person enters into before they have “overcome” lingering feelings of love or attachment towards an ex; for this reason, in the common imagination they are thought to be destined to fail and usually make relatives and friends frown.
In reality, however, a growing body of research indicates some benefits. The rebound relationships they can actually play an important role in helping people feel better about themselves and resolve residual feelings towards an over relationship. It has been observed that people who enter into rebound relationships and remain single for a shorter period of time report greater well-being, their new status as “in a new relationship” predicts fewer emotional traces of attachment to the previous partner.
Furthermore, ending a relationship is not only emotionally challenging, but also cognitively stressful. Breakups require a lot of mental work. After defining themselves within a relationship, ex-partners must redefine their identity, disrupting their cognitive interdependence. This process generally involves the loss of aspects of themselves, which they had acquired from each other, and as a result can make people feel confused and lacking clarity about their self-concept (“who am I without her/him?”). Rebuilding and personal expansion is a healthy process in which we acquire new skills, hobbies, habits and experiences. And it’s uplifting to be able to tackle it on your own; however, it is not excluded that new relationships can help in accelerating this process of personal regeneration; that is, they make it faster than it would have been otherwise.
Psychologists Brumbaugh and Fraley conducted research on this topic, involving 264 university students, of which 137 were single at the time of the study and 124 were in a romantic relationship. The researchers found that, within the sample of those who had entered into a new relationship, those who had been single for a shorter period had:
- a higher level of well-being and greater self-esteem;
- a lower tendency to anxiety and avoidance in relationships, thus demonstrating a correlation between a shorter period of singleness and emotional security in emotional bonds.
However, it was also observed that those who committed to a new relationship more quickly tended to come from previous relationships characterized by greater insecurity. At first glance, it might seem contradictory that these people are the same ones who then show higher levels of self-esteem. A possible explanation is that the residual insecurity is compensated not only thanks to the involvement in a new bond, but also by a sort of “cognitive illusion”.
There is a certain logic in this. In the post-breakup period, we commonly hear phrases like: “I feel more confident” or “I am more independent.” The end of a relationship can actually undermine self-esteem, but convincing yourself to be more independent compensates for this negative effect. Furthermore, experiments like this rely on self-reports of growth, which means something slightly more complex could be going on: I might say I feel more confident, but is that objectively the case? We convince ourselves that we have grown up due to a cognitive bias called “positive illusion”: we tend to inflate our self-evaluations precisely because we need to strengthen our self-esteem. Interesting fact: those who blame themselves for the breakup didn’t have this same feeling of personal growth!
Finally, those who entered into a new relationship still showed some involvement with their ex-partner (including frequent contact or a desire for emotional revenge), yet the well-being measures still indicated better outcomes than those who remained single.
Studies on fallback relationships: help against rumination
A study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior, titled Breaking Up and Bouncing Back: Distress and Post-Distress Adjustment of Young Adultssurveyed over 800 young adults between the ages of 18 and 25 who had just experienced the end of a romantic relationship. The researchers tracked how levels of self-esteem, distress and intrusive thoughts changed when comparing participants who remained single with those who began a new relationship.
The results show that those who remained single after a breakup struggled more frequently with obsessive thoughts and painful memories, while those who entered into a new relationship tended to fare better: although they still felt pain, the new romantic connection helped them move forward in their daily lives. Furthermore, they reported greater general well-being and self-confidence, due to feeling desirable again. The researchers therefore concluded that the key to better psychological functioning is not that the rebound relationship leads to a new long-term relationship or marriage (there are no scientific predictions about their future duration), but rather that it involves reducing rumination. In other words, the rebound relationships they seem to help stop that constant dwelling on the past relationship that often hinders emotional recovery.
Rebound relationships or coping dysfunctional?
At this point it is important to make a clarification. Not all strategies that follow a breakup are the same and not all produce the same effects. In some cases, the attempt to “fill the void” can result in less than functional behaviors: superficial relationships, lack of emotional involvement or compulsive search for contacts and confirmations. In these situations, more than talking about rebound relationship we talk about strategies coping dysfunctional, i.e. ineffective ways of managing emotional distress.
Fallback relationships aren’t necessarily that. They can be real relationships in which, even if the previous bond is not fully elaborated, there is a certain degree of interest, connection and openness towards the other. The difference is not so much in “when” you start a new relationship, but in “how”: if the new bond represents an authentic experience, it can absolutely contribute to well-being and emotional recovery.
Ultimately, the question of whether a rebound relationship is a healthy choice or a maladaptive coping strategy depends on the person’s honesty about themselves and their motivations for engaging in it.
